Andy Carroll’s move from Newcastle to Liverpool not only brings a new club and new challenges for the young striker, it’ll also bring new living arrangements. In Newcastle, Carroll was court-ordered to live with club captain Kevin Nolan and his family as a condition of his bail for charges of assaulting a former girlfriend. Nolan made Carroll stick to a strict curfew and read bedtime stories to his kids. But now that he’s in Liverpool, we imagine Carroll moving in with his new club’s skipper, Steven Gerrard. The following is a transcript of their conversation on the matter.
Carroll: Hello? Anybody home?
Gerrard: Yeah, I’m in the kitchen drinking some lemonade and reading about dinosaurs.
Carroll: Oh, hey Steven. Thanks again for having me.
Gerrard: I know you’re thankful. I’m glad everything worked out how I planned. Last week I was talking to the board at Liverpool because they ask me to make all their most important decisions for them and I was like, "Yeah, we should sell Torres to Chelsea for £50 million and then buy Andy Carroll for £35 million and then pretend like we want Charlie Adam too, but just as a joke." And they were like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, that’s a great idea — you should have more kids so there are more people with your smarts in their heads." And I was like "…" and they were like "…"
Carroll: Uh. Right. So is your family OK with me moving in?
Gerrard: Yeah, I didn’t tell my wife yet because we usually just say "I love you" and then stare at each other for a really long time, but when I told my daughters, they were like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, that’s going to be so much fun. We have no idea who Andy Carroll is but we’re sure he’s a great lad who never assaults people and probably knows a lot about fashion." And I was like, "Liverpool loves me so much that they’ll probably build a statue of me where I’m half man, half horse when I retire." And they were like, "Do you mean a centaur?" And I was like "…" and they were like "…"
Carroll: Right. Well, at Kev’s house I read stories to his kids and had loads of fun with them, so I’d be happy to do the same with your girls if you- wait, your daughters call you Steven Gerrard?
Gerrard: Did you read them the one I just made up about the happy Scouse mushroom who was really good at football?
Carroll: Uh, no.
Gerrard: Well you should’ve. It’s a great story and it’ll probably win all the book awards and get added to the Bible.
Carroll: OK. So are there any house rules I should know?
Gerrard: Yeah, there’s a bunch. I was just telling Glen Johnson my house rules the other day. I was like, "If Phil Collins ever stays at my house I’m going to have him play Sussudio for me live and let me sing the part where he goes ‘oh Sussudio.’" And Glen was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard that’s the greatest house rule ever. I’ll probably get it tattooed on my body after I cut my hair so I can look more like you." And I was like, "I’m going to have Andy Carroll live with me so I can show him how to be the second greatest footballer and have him taste all my signature dishes." And he was like "…" and I was like "…"
Carroll: Right. So are there any house rules for me, or just for Phil Collins?
Gerrard: There are house rules for you and you’ll hear them if you stop asking so many questions. The first and only rule for you is that you have to give me cupcakes. Now which bag are they in?
Carroll: …
Gerrard: …
Carroll: I didn’t know I was supposed to bring cupcakes. But I’ll go get you some.
Gerrard: Yes!
Photo: Reuters
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